


Reaction formation

by petrichor_petrichor



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Coming Out, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Tension, Slight Smut, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, This gets happier, mention of self harm, poor!Hyunjin, rich!Seungmin, seungjin in the building, seungmin is an angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:03:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petrichor_petrichor/pseuds/petrichor_petrichor
Summary: Hyunjin can't afford to fall for his best friend.akaThe fic where Hyunjin hates both his life and psychology and Seungmin is set on changing both of those things.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wooziverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wooziverse/gifts), [heoflwr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/heoflwr/gifts), [prettychiisy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettychiisy/gifts).

> Because sublimation is the best defense mechanism and you can't change my mind.
> 
> !Please read the tags! 
> 
> This is dedicated to @xiusoftie @hxneyhyuck and @prettychiisy because I promised them a fluffy Seungjin ending in another fic and I never delivered so this is me redeeming myself uwu
> 
> Also please leave kudos/comments because validation=happiness and I want to hear people's opinions <3

21st of September 2018.

Hyunjin remembers more of the day than what he actually wants to. He remembers how he had managed to miss bus 4419 in the morning because his alarm clock had magically stopped working during the night and how the first thing Seungmin did when he arrived at school, only fifteen minutes late which wasn’t too bad when you took the fact that Hyunjin always used to be late by half an hour into consideration, was to scold him. Of course Seungmin would scold him, being the perfect student that he was. Kim Seungmin was the epitome of a teacher's pet, the actual definition of one. The boy had never in his seventeen years of life been late to a lesson, never went against the teachers even if he was dealing with the ones that really deserved to be spoken against and always had his nose in either a physics or maths textbook. If Hyunjin focused hard enough, he could swear that he could see a dog’s tail and ears start to grow on Seungmin. Hyunjin made sure to share his recent discoveries about Seungmin with the boy himself as he had slid down in the wooden chair next to him.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how much he had hated psychology, especially that day. They had gone through defense mechanisms that day and Hyunjin doesn’t think that he’s ever been more bored than he was in said class. He had always considered both Sigmund and Anna Freud to be ostentatious nutjobs who thought they were above everyone else when in reality, at least in Hyunjin’s reality, they just pulled out a bunch of loose theories and accusations from their asses before applying it on people like they actually knew more about the person they were dealing with than the person knew about themself. Seungmin, on the other hand, had seemed genuinely interested, jotting down notes in his Peter Pauper Press bookbound journal with a steady handwriting whilst nodding at the professor every so often when he said something that Seungmin approved of or already knew. Hyunjin had been so caught up in watching how his best friend fully immersed himself in class that he completely blocked out the professor's words until Seungmin turned to look at him.

“Isn’t that right, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin, who had been turned to Seungmin and had been resting his face in his palm with his elbow propped up on the desk, snapped out of his thoughts when the professor repeated his name.

“What?” The professor had let out an amused huff and returned to stand behind the wooden podium, hands on either side of it. A wave of quiet and failed muffled giggles washed over the classroom.

“Hyunjin why were you late today?” Hyunjin scrunched his nose. Was he really getting forced to explain himself in front of the entire class?

“I missed my bus.” Their professor raised an eyebrow as he began pacing up and down the room.

“And why was that?”

Every word that escaped his professor’s chapped lips, Hyunjin was seriously about to pull out his Burt Bee’s chapstick from his back pack because holy fuck how could lips be that chapped?, made Hyunjin painfully aware of why he hated psychology. He gritted his teeth as he remembered that he needed to give his professor a reply.

“Because I overslept. I overslept because my alarm clock stopped working.” Hyunjin was close to just give into his instincts and snarl at the professor. His professor would probably argue that it was Sigmund Freud’s defense mechanisms that stopped him from giving into his instincts.

“And that’s a valid reason-” Of course it was. “-to you.” His professor said as he stopped in front of his and Seungmin’s desk.

“What do you mea-” Seungmin kicked his foot under the table, a thing he always did when Hyunjin was beginning to lose his composure or cross a line, eyes still glued to his notes.

“But Sigmund Freud would have argued and said that in reality, it was your unconscious mind that made you forget that you needed to wake up. You don’t like psychology and therefore your unconscious mind tells you to forget that you had it today.” Hyunjin glared up at the professor as he made his way back to the whiteboard and picked up a marker. In big bold letters, he wrote out the word “REPRESSION”. The professor capped the marker and turned around to face the class once again.

“Anna Freud argued that we use at least five defense mechanisms every day without knowing it and I think Hyunjin just now showed us that she has a twenty percent chance of being right.” The class erupted in louder giggles this time and Seungmin tapped his ballpoint pen, because Kim Seungmin was the type of person that didn’t need erasers because he never made mistakes, three times against his notebook to express his annoyance.

Hyunjin shook his head as he stretched his arms out on the plywood desktop and then rested his head on his arms. Fucking Freud and his fucking defense mechanisms.

“This is why I prefer CG Jung.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers that even if Seungmin quietly scolded him several times under the psychology lesson, he still agreed to hang out with Hyunjin after school. Hyunjin remembers how he had waited by the iron gate of Seungmin’s way too luxurious three stories high house because his best friend had insisted that he needed to take a shower and get changed before they could head out.

“You’re going to smell bad anyway, what’s the point? Your shampoo stinks” Hyunjin was a great liar. There was no way in hell he was going to compliment Seungmin’s sweet green apple scented shampoo that made his brown hair look like it had been kissed by the sun even in a cold month like September. Seungmin had just grimaced at Hyunjin as he pulled up his keys from the pocket of his school pants.

“I’m not going to stand here and get criticised by someone who uses a 3-in-1 shampoo/body wash/conditioner.” Hyunjin felt his chest tighten up. Seungmin could be a bitch sometimes and today was obviously one of those days.

“Jokes on you, it’s actually a 2-in-1 shampoo/body wash product. I don’t know what conditioner is, maybe that’s a rich kid thing?” Seungmin let out a snort. “Not all of us have the money to buy disgusting sweet apple shampoo.” His words made Seungmin halt with the dangling keys in his hand.

“Hyunjin, you know that you can always come to me if you need to shower or borrow-”

“I don’t need anything, Seungmin. I’m _fine_.”

Hyunjin was a terrific liar. Seungmin was a great observer. Seungmin knew that Hyunjin wasn’t fine and if previous experiences were anything to go by then it would be safe to assume that Hyunjin’s sudden jab at Seungmin’s “expensive” shampoo was due to Hyunjin’s mom wasting all their money for the month on cheap beer and European vodka again. But Seungmin was only human and he could only do so much. He couldn’t force an explanation from Hyunjin or force him to tell the truth or to accept his help for that matter. Seungmin knew that one day Hyunjin would realize that he couldn’t carry all of this by himself and that he then would go get help. Seungmin could only hope that that day came sooner than later. He rubbed his temple as he stared at Hyunjin’s torn black sneakers.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t being serious. I didn’t think it through-”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Hyunjin replied with his mouth drawn into a straight line. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his signature black jacket that he wore once too many times a week.

Seungmin knew not to push the topic any further. If he was to try and get more out his best friend then the other would only panic and become more distant. He needed to respect Hyunjin’s limits and how much the other felt like sharing from day to day.

“Do you want to come in?” Seungmin instead asked and Hyunjin shook his head.

No matter how many times Seungmin told him that he was welcome in his house, he always felt out of place. He felt like he was too dirty. The contrast between him and the pristine floors and creme walls of Seungmin’s house was too sharp. If any interior designer would have witness Hyunjin inside of Seungmin house they would probably have passed out because of the mismatched aesthetic. Only in school, dressed in the same uniforms with the white button up shirts and navy coloured pants could Hyunjin feel as Seungmin’s equal.

“No.” Hyunjin didn’t know how much he hurt Seungmin when he closed himself off.

“I’ll be back in a few.” He wouldn’t be. Hyunjin snorted because he had accidentally knocked over Seungmin’s box of shower essentials one time when he had forced him into his house.

“No you won’t. I’ve seen your blueberry face masks for “-Berrylicious moisture”, and your Pixie DetoxifEye gel patches and your hand crea-”

“I’ll be quick, I promise.” Seungmin pleaded with his eyes as he grabbed Hyunjin’s hands. Hyunjin immediately pulled his hands back as if he had accidentally placed them on a burning stove and regretted it almost immediately when Seungmin’s face dropped and he bit his lip.

“You better be.” Hyunjin mumbled and Seungmin gave him a small smile before opening the iron gate and scurrying to the front door.

Hyunjin did his best not to growl at the neighbours who stared at him when they passed him by on the sidewalk.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how he choked around nothing when the front door of Seungmin’s house opened only to reveal Seungmin standing in the opening. His best friend scanned the sidewalk outside his house and gave Hyunjin a wide smile when he found him standing by his parent’s red Mercedes Benz A class. He closed the door and strutted down the stairs.

“What’s with that face? Did you not believe that I could get ready in a short amount of time?” No, that wasn’t the reason as to why Hyunjin’s mouth was hanging agape. Or, maybe it was, but it wasn’t the main reason. Seungmin was clad in an oversized yellow hoodie, grey sweatpants and some mold green fucking crocs. _Crocs_. Seungmin had the nerve to go out wearing crocs. “Hello? You’re staring.”

“Sorry. I don’t recognize you when you’re not flaunting your Ralph Lauren or Lacoste.” Hyunjin confessed and Seungmin was quick to deliver a smack on his head.

“You’ve known me for four years, you should know that those things don’t matter to me.” Seungmin huffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking.

“Yeah but you still wear them though. All those big boy brands for big boy bucks-” Hyunjin stated as he jogged up beside Seungmin and fell into step with him.

“You know I only wear them because they’re gifts from my parents and I don’t want to be ungrateful.” Seungmin stopped and greeted one of his neighbours who made a comment on how different he looked today and paired it with a worried glance at his clothes.

“You really look like you’re poor, right now, do you know that? Hey. Aren’t we going to steal your parents’ car today?” Hyunjin asked as they walked past Seungmin’s house. Whenever they hung out after school they always “borrowed” the Mercedes. His parents never found out.

Seungmin shook his head in lieu of a reply and beamed at Hyunjin.

“I figured we could take the bus today?” Hyunjin wolf whistled in fake awe.

“It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. Who are you and what did you do to my snob of a best friend?” Seungmin elbowed Hyunjin who broke out into laughter.

“Do they accept Apple Pay on the bus?”

“They absolutely do not.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  


Hyunjin remembers how he sat with his back against the darkest American sycamore with Seungmin’s head in his lap. His best friend was busy going over his psychology notes and tried to make Hyunjin cooperate with him.

“Hyunjin, give an example of regression.”

“Don’t know.” Hyunjin replied as he stared out over the lake. Seungmin huffed in annoyance and brought a hand up to rub his temple.

“Okay. Give me an example of projection.”

“Don’t know.”

“Do you not pay attention in class?” Seungmin asked as he changed position so that he was staring right up at Hyujin rather than being faced towards the lake. Hyunjin looked down at Seungmin who was still laying in his lap. How could he pay attention in class when Seungmin was seated next to him.

“No.”

Seungmin huffed and something about it made Hyunjin’s heart sink. He didn’t want to annoy Seungmin, not now. He just wanted to enjoy the moment, the sunset and the view. So, Hyunjin brought a hand down to pet Seungmin’s hair with. He must have used the sweet green apple shampoo again because it felt even softer than it looked. Seungmin closed his eyes and let out a low hum.

“If anyone was to see us right now they would probably think we were a couple.” Hyunjin’s hand came to a halt, strands of Seungmin’s hair still secured between his fingers. It was a terrible and distasteful joke that Seungmin had cracked.

“Yeah right, like I would ever date you.” Hyunjin snorted as he pushed Seungmin’s head off his lap and crossed his arms over his chest.

He didn’t like Seungmin that way. He couldn’t. Liking boys were a bad thing, his mother had told him that and if Hyunjin was ever to like a boy, which would never happen, then it certainly wouldn’t be Kim Seungmin out of all people. They were too different, their lifestyles didn’t match. Seungmin had steak for dinner when Hyunjin turned every furniture over to find enough money for instant ramen. Seungmin followed in his father’s footsteps whereas Hyunjin had to stop himself if he ever went in the same direction as his mother. Seungmin was a terrible comedian.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Seungmin asked and Hyunjin felt anger boil inside of him.

“I don’t date boys.” Hyunjin hissed out which caused Seungmin to frown-

“I’ve never seen you with a girl though.” Seungmin stated as he toyed with the strings of his yellow hoodie.

“Sorry then. I’ll make sure that the next time you see me I’ll have my tongue shoved down a cheerleader’s throat.” Hyunjin muttered as he kicked a pebble with the front of his shoe, cursing silently as his shoe opened more at the front. Seungmin watched silently beside him.

“Hyunjin can you give me an example of reaction formation?” Hyunjin sighed at Seungmin’s words.

“I don’t know what the fuck that _means_.”

“That’s what I thought.” Seungmin choked out and when Hyunjin looks up at him he notices how Seungmin presses his fists against his eyes before taking a deep breath. “I think we should head home now.”

“You’re not going to tell me what it means?” Hyunjin asked as Seungmin scrambled to pick up his notes.

“No. I think you need to search it up for yourself.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

  
  


“Do you want to take a break?”

Hyunjin only nods in reply.


	2. Reaction formation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note; in the school Seungmin and Hyunjin attends they graduate when they're 19, hence why I don't call it college (yes those types of schools exist). Also Hyunjin is so mean in this ugh-
> 
> Also my English completely gave up here like???

Hyunjin remembers how Seungmin had tried his best to remain calm and collected on the bus ride home. He remembers how Seungmin had tried so hard to keep up his “the only thing I stick my nose in is books” facade but Hyunjin could tell how his ears perked as he tried to listen to the normal everyday life stories that people exchanged on the bus and how he couldn’t help himself from glancing every time the bus came to a halt to let new people on. If Hyunjin had liked guys, he may have considered Seungmin’s new found fascination for bus rides to be cute, but he didn’t. Nonetheless, it was quite entertaining seeing Seungmin out of his comfort zone and instead perched on top of a worn denim blue bus seat. The brunette must really have been interested in the conversation that the couple he was eavesdropping on were having because he didn’t notice how Hyunjin shamelessly stared at him until the couple linked hands and got off at their stop. Seungmin had snapped out of it and blinked before turning his head to Hyunjin.

“Why are you staring at me?” Seungmin had asked him, body jolting forward just the tiniest bit when the bus drove over a pothole, as he held Hyunjin’s gaze. Hyunjin had stared right back at him.

“Because we missed our stop.” Hyunjin declared as he reached up and pressed the “stop” button closest to them.

Seungmin knew better than to ask Hyunjin why the male hadn’t pushed the button himself because if he were to ask then Hyunjin would point out the fact that he had been eavesdropping which Seungmin didn’t want to admit.

“I hope you don’t mind walking.”

“With you I’d walk to the end of the world and not complain.” Seungmin teased which made Hyunjin’s eyes narrow into tiny slits.

“Disgusting.”

If Hyunjin had listened more attentively he might have heard Seungmin’s heart when it dropped to the pit of his stomach.

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers asking Seungmin for the time when they had walked for fifteen minutes or so and reached Hyunjin’s run down apartment. Seungmin had replied with “-It’s 21:45” as he fished up his iphone 13 or whatever, Hyunjin didn’t know much about electronic gadgets, from his sweatpants pocket and presented the displayed time on the screen for Hyunjin. Hyunjin had replied with “-The rats aren’t usually here, someone must have forgotten to throw their trash out” when an ash grey rat had scurried in front of them and Seungmin had replied that he knew that because he “-Came here often”.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers breaking down at 21:47 in the run down kitchen of his apartment because Seungmin had put his phone down on the worn-out two-seater kitchen table. Seungmin’s warm hand had reached out to grab his shoulder but Hyunjin had yanked it away as he sank down on the floor and watched through watery eyes how the dust swirled around before settling on the floor again. Hyunjin’s fist clenched and unclenched around the eviction letter he held in his hand.

“Hyunjin please. Please let me help.” Seungmin had kneeled beside him and eased the letter out from Hyunjin’s hand, careful to not let their fingers touch. He had been a fast reader, at least compared to Hyunjin, and maybe that’s why Hyunjin had gotten even more anxious when he was aware that Seungmin had already read the entire letter but still didn’t make any attempt to say something.

“Why are you keeping quiet Seungmin? Does this look like a psychology lesson to you? Come on, tell me what defense mechanism I’m using now.” Hyunjin had laughed at his own words as he threw his head back. He turned his head slightly and noticed how Seungmin was staring right at him. “Come on, Seungmin. It can’t be that bad. We’re just getting evicted. Mom will come back and fix it. She’ll get us a new apartment. It’s fine. I didn’t like this place anyway.” Seungmin had shook his head as he smoothed out the creases of the letter.

“Hyunjin, she’s not coming back, please realize that. She’s been gone for three weeks, she’s not planning on coming back here to save you if that’s what you’re thinking.” Hyunjin had closed his eyes and listened to his surroundings. There was something calming about how the kitchen clock ticked on where it was put up on the wall and how the water tap dripped every few seconds. Even the way that the eerie wind rustled up the yellow gingham checkered curtains could Hyunjin find comfort in. Anything was better than the sound of Kim Seungmin.

“You’re a liar, Seungmin. She will come back.” Hyunjin didn’t know if the words ever left his mouth or if he was sat on the floor, propped against the table leg, talking to himself.

“Hyunjin, please trust me. I’m your best friend. She won’t come back.” Seungmin had such a way with words. The male only spoke when it was absolutely necessary, leaving no time for small talk, and when he did talk it hurt. Seungmin’s words could slip out of his mouth only to form a dagger before the person on the receiving end would have time to understand what happened to them. Seungmin’s dagger made up of words could twist around in Hyunjin’s stomach just as easily as his words could make him loved by all of his teachers.

“Seungmin I can’t breathe.” Hyunjin choked out as he began shaking.

It was strange really, how breathing is the first thing a human learns to do without even thinking about it, yet somehow Hyunjin couldn’t remember how to do it properly. He wrapped his arms around his legs and pressed them against his chest as he desperately tried to inhale. The air didn’t want to enter his lungs and he found himself breathing out quicker than he breathed in. The frantic noises he produced only stressed him out even further and if that wasn’t enough Hyunjin also felt how his blood began to turn sour, almost as if it was rotting inside of him. His blood was rotting and his head was starting to spin. This surely must mean that he was dying.

“Hyunjin, you’re hyperventilating. Breathe normally, okay? I’m going to call a cab, just keep on breath-Hyunjin? Hyunjin!”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how he jolted awake in a leather seat at the sound of a door being slammed shut. Only a second later, the car door next to him had been opened from the outside by none other than Seungmin.

“Do you want me to haul you out or can you manage to stand by yourself?” Hyunjin had blinked up at Seungmin, not quite understanding what he was trying to say. Seungmin let go of the door handle and pulled on Hyunjin’s shoulder as he dragged him out from the car and thanked whoever was seated behind the wheel.

“Don’t touch me.” Hyunjin hissed as he wrenched his shoulder away.

“Hyunjin you’re not going to be sent to hell just because I touched your shoulder.” How would Seungmin know that? If Hyunjin didn’t know better then he might have suspected that Seungmin liked boys.

“I just said don’t touch me.” Hyunjin scoffed and looked up at the familiar white facade. “Why are we at your house?”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how Seungmin helped him get his shoes off and placed them in the shoe cabinet attached to the wall, how he could hear soft jazz music coming from the living room stereo if he listened closely and how the laughter of Seungmin’s parents echoed alongside the sound of metal cutlery hitting porcelain bowls or plates.

Seungmin had been the first to walk into the kitchen but had made sure that Hyunjin was in it before he started talking. Hyunjin can’t remember the looks on Seungmin’s parents’ faces when he had entered because he had his eyes focused on his brown socks.

“Mom, dad, Hyunjin will be staying with us for a while.” The laughter had stopped abruptly and Hyunjin wanted nothing more than to run away.

“Well, uh, that’s great! Are the two of you hungry? We’re having chanterelle soup that I made.” Seungmin’s mom was a sweetheart and Hyunjin didn’t have the heart to tell her that he never got full on soup.

“I’m not in the mood for soup. I’ll just have some leftovers from yesterday, if that’s okay?” Seungmin beamed at his mother before opening the white refrigerator and pulled out a square plastic container filled to the brim with what looked like some kind of meat and mashed potatoes.

“There’s gravy in the sauciére.” Hyunjin looked up and made eye contact with Seungmin’s dad as the latter pointed to the fridge whilst swallowing around a mouthful of soup. He gave him a small smile and Hyunjin did his best to reciprocate it as Seungmin opened the refrigerator again.

“I’ll just microwave this, you can go up and get changed or just sit and wait in the living room. I’ll be quick, I promise.” Seungmin yelled over his shoulder as he fiddled with the microwave.

Seungmin kept his promise this time around as well. Hyunjin had just settled down on the grey chaise sofa in the living room when Seungmin closed the door and put down the food and plates, that he had been balancing on his arms, on the low marble TV table. Hyunjin furrowed his brows as Seungmin sat down a plate in front of him.

“I thought you said that you were going to eat.” Seungmin unrolled the white cloth napkin he held in his hand and placed it beside Hyunjin’s plate and cutlery.

“I am.” The brunette replied as he used his finger to wipe of the gravy that was running on the side of the sauciére. “And so are you.” Hyunjin looked down at the food in front of him. Marinated steak, mashed potatoes, caramelized carrots and thick brown gravy made a hunger he didn’t know he had in him rise up. He clutched his stomach as it growled and huffed when he saw Seungmin smile to himself at the sound.

“I could have just eaten soup, you know?” The black haired male muttered as he picked up his fork and let it hover over the plate. Seungmin let out a very unattractive snort, not that Hyunjin ever found Seungmin attractive.

“Yeah but I know you don’t get full when you eat soup.” Hyunjin who had just let his fork stab a caramelized carrot more or less brutally halted his actions at Seungmin’s words. He looked over and watched how Seungmin used both his knife and fork to cut the steak into small pieces. He really didn’t have to.

“You didn’t need to go the extra mile for me.” Seungmin’s eyes flickered up and met Hyunjin’s. He scanned Hyunjin like he tried to find something hidden behind those almost black and tired orbs. Seungmin swallowed loudly and Hyunjin waited as his best friend’s adam’s apple bobbed.

“No. But I wanted to.” And with those words, Seungmin redirected his focus back to the plate of food in front of him again.

Hyunjin really didn’t deserve Seungmin.

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers that Seungmin had suggested that they slept on the living room couch for the night because apparently Seungmin hadn’t tidied his room. Knowing Seungmin, that basically just meant that there would be a stray cotton sock lying a centimeter away from the hamper or that one of Seungmin’s succulents had been rotated a little more to the left than what the male deemed as appropriate. Hyunjin didn’t push it though because Seungmin was stubborn enough as it was.

“My parents are sleeping in the basement, that whole area is theirs and theirs only but you probably know that already. The living room is the best option unless you want to sleep in the garden together with the rose bushes or something.” Hyunjin opened his mouth to say something but Seungmin beat him to it. “It wasn’t an option, you’re not sleeping in the garden, Hyunjin.” Seungmin announced as he pulled out some more throws and blankets from the bottom of a black bookshelf.

“Isn’t it a bit weird though, like, we’re boys and we’re sleeping together.”

“We shared a bed legit one day after we had met each other for the first time.” Seungmin fired back. It was true. They used to always share a bed when Hyunjin slept over. That was, until Hyunjin’s mom had asked him where he slept when he was with Seungmin and after her lecture on how boys shouldn’t share the same bed, even if they didn’t do anything romantic, because then they would go to hell.

“Yeah but that was then and now we’re older.” Seungmin stopped dead in his tracks and turned to look at Hyunjin.

“I’m not going to do anything to you in your sleep, if that’s what you think. Jesus Christ, I’m your best friend, this has never been an issue before.” Hyunjin had a hard time taking him seriously when he could only see Seungmin’s head peeking just above the piled up blankets in his arms.

“Good. I’m just making sure.” For now, he was saved from hell.

“Look, I’ll sleep with my head pointing towards the telly and you’ll sleep with your head pointing towards the door. That way, only our feet will be touching. Is that okay?” Hyunjin bit his lip. Truthfully he didn’t know. His mom had never told him if feet touching counted as a sin. “I’ll wear extra fluffy socks, just for you.” Seungmin said as he pulled on the blackout curtains so that they covered the entire window.

“Deal.” Hyunjin said as he accepted a white cashmere throw and made himself comfortable on the couch.

Seungmin made himself comfortable on the other side of the couch and let out a sigh.

“I can’t believe that the next time I wake up I’m going to be eighteen.” He muttered and Hyunjin cracked an eye open.

“Congrats on flexing the fact that you’re getting old.” A pillow hit his head. “Ouch!”

“Shut up Hyunjin, you’re like six months older than me.”

“And that makes me your elder, respect me. Do you usually go around throwing pillows on elders, hmm?” Hyunjin asked in a teasing tone which made Seungmin let out a tiny “tsk”.

“We’re born in the same year so it doesn’t count.”

“Of course it does!”

“Does not!”

“I can’t hear you, you’re such a baby. Maybe if you were born six months earlier then you would learn how to speak properly like me-.”

“Hyunjin I’m never letting you copy my psychology notes again if you don’t shut it right about now.” Hyunjin sulked at the words. Seungmin was ruthless.

“Sorry.”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how he laid awake and listened to Seungmin’s breathing, waiting for it to slow down so that Hyunjin knew for sure that he was sleeping. He doesn’t remember exactly how long it took but when he finally heard how Seungmin’s breathing slowed, he wasted no time. He carefully discarded the throw and stretched his legs out on the carpet in front of him before making his way to the kitchen that was in the room next to them. He had needed to be quiet since Seungmin was a light sleeper. Hyunjin tiptoed his way out and couldn’t even risk turning on the lights in the kitchen since the sound itself would probably be enough to wake Seungmin up from his state of dreaming. He made it to the kitchen and stumbled blindly, not knowing how to find what he was looking for if it wasn’t for the low sound that the dishwasher was emitting. The dishwasher was close to the kitchen cabinets where the Kims stored their utensils. With the help of the dishwasher, Hyunjin finally stopped in his tracks when his hip made contact with a kitchen counter. All he had to do was find the handle to one of the cabinets and then he could finally-

The lights turned on and Hyunjin spun around to see Seungmin standing with a finger pressed against the switch. Hyunjin blinked and cursed at how quickly the room got illuminated by white light.

“Hyunjin? What are you doing?” Seungmin asked as he closed the kitchen door before fixating his eyes on Hyunjin again. Fucking hell. Why did Seungmin have to ruin everything?

“Uhm, I’m getting a glass of water. Crying really makes my throat dry, ya know?” His answer obviously wasn’t what Seungmin wanted to hear since the brunette pursed his lips and gave Hyunjin a judgmental look.

“You were getting a glass of water, by the kitchen cabinets, when the sink is on the opposite side of the kitchen?”

“Well when you put it that way, I can see how it certainly does sound a bit odd-”

“If you want to lie to me, that’s fine, but don’t try and flatter yourself by believing that I will actually fall for your lies.” Hyunjin opened his mouth but Seungmin wasn’t done yet. Seungmin tipped his head back and took in a deep breath, something Hyunjin often did when he was annoyed and habit that Seungmin had picked up from him when they first started hanging out together. “Don’t bother looking for sharp knives, my parents have already taken them away.”

“I-” Hyunjin didn’t get a chance to speak this time either as Seungmin made his way to the freezer. The brunette pulled out something and then made his way over to where Hyunjin was still standing.

“Show me your palms.”

“Wh-”

“It wasn’t a question.” Seungmin didn’t showcase his anger often and when he did he certainly didn’t do stuff like punch a hole in a wall or throw stuff around. Instead, he got curt and lowered his voice. So Hyunjin obliged and immediately hissed when he felt the ice bags get placed in his palms.

“What do these do?” Hyunjin asked as he stared at the ice bags in his hands.

“They’re something to keep you from cutting. They give you equally as much pain as when you cut yourself except for the fact that it’s harmless and makes you quit easier. Squeeze them.” Seungmin ordered. He was right, Hyunjin could only squeeze them for about fifteen seconds before he yelped out in pain and put the bags away on the closest surface.

“How does it feel now?” Seungmin asked.

“Cold.” Hyunjin murmured as he wiped away the ice that had melted on his hand on the back of his pants. When he looked up, he saw how Seungmin’s facial expression was stern but how his eyes looked glossy. “Seungmin are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” Seungmin let out a disappointed laugh, like he couldn’t believe his ears. “Yeah, my best friend wakes up in the middle of the night to go and self harm in my kitchen but I’m totally fine. I’m fine, Hyunjin.” Seungmin wheezed out through gritted teeth. Hyunjin could see the hurt evident in Seungmin’s brown eyes.  
“I’m...I’m sorry? I just feel so fucking worthless and I want to go home and-”

“Hyunjin, can I hug you?”

“We’ll go to hell.”

“I promise you we won't. Satan will make an exception for us this once because you’re sad. Please?”

Hyunjin took a shaky breath and nodded. He stiffened when Seungmin threw his arms around him and pulled him closer, one hand cradling his head and one hand wrapped around his waist. Hyunjin couldn’t take it anymore. He broke out crying and buried his face in Seungmin’s neck where he could feel the apple shampoo mix with Seungmin’s peppermint tinged cologne that was starting to wear off.

“It’s okay Hyunjin. I know you want to go home but you can’t. I know it’s hard to be forced away from something you aren’t ready to let go off and I know how hard it is to adapt to a new lifestyle, but please, please trust me when I say that we’ll get through this.” Hyunjin couldn’t stop crying, not even after Seungmin tried to comfort him.

“I’m so sorry Seungmin.” Seungmin squeezed him tighter at the words and it made Hyunjin feel something stir in his heart.

“Please don’t ever do that again.” Hyunjin shook his head and pulled away from Seungmin’s embrace. “Do you want to stay up and watch the cartoon version of Mr.Bean with me?” Seungmin asked and Hyunjin glared at him with puffy red eyes. He really wanted to punch Seungmin at that moment.

“I should never have told you about it to begin with.” Hyunjin mumbled, referring to when he and Seungmin had played truth or dare at age fourteen and Hyunjin had accidentally slipped and revealed how he resorted to watching Mr.Bean whenever he got sad. The revelation had been followed up with a long and heated argument about whether the cartoon or the live action version was better.

“Don’t be like that, I even offered that we could watch the cartoon version when we all know that the live action one is the superior-”

“Seungmin we’re not having this discussion again. Turn on the TV before I change my mind.” Seungmin rolled his eyes but obliged anyway.

“Be an angel and bring some snacks with you out to the living room, will you?” Hyunjin rolled his eyes as Seungmin waved to him before exiting the kitchen.

Five minutes later and they were already arguing as they were sat on the sofa.

“I just don’t feel like Teddy in the cartoon version does a good job at portraying how Teddy in the live action version actually was.” Seungmin voiced out his thoughts before chewing down on a popcorn. Hyunjin turned to look at him with wide eyes.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. I feel like they should have gotten a better actor.” Seungmin mused as he reached his hand down in the popcorn filled blue porcelain bowl.

“Seungmin, it’s a fucking stuffed teddy bear we’re talking about.”

“Point being?” Hyunjin stared at Seungmin as the other turned to look at him.

“Point being that you’re a fucking idiot.” Seungmin tsked at Hyunjin.

“You can’t insult me, it’s my birthday.”

“No it isn’t.”

“It is.” Hyunjin blinked as Seungmin shoved his phone in his face. “It’s two minutes past twelve and you haven’t even said happy birthday to me yet.” Seungmin pouted, something Hyunjin had never ever seen his best friend do before. He liked this side of him, when Seungmin completely dropped his facade and let him be himself. It always caught Hyunjin off guard because he felt like he never really could figure Seungmin out. He had always had a feeling that there would be something under Seungmin’s facade but what really surprised Hyunjin was how many layers his best friend had to his personality and how many layers that Hyunjin probably didn’t even know existed yet.

“It’s been your birthday for two minutes and you’re already bitching on me.”

“As I should.” Seungmin replied and took a sip of his water because Seungmin was convinced that if he ever tasted a carbonated drink then his teeth would rot.

“Yeah? Well maybe I should throw some popcorn on you?”

“Do that and I swear to God-” Seungmin froze up as he felt how a popcorn hit the side of his face.

“Oopsie!” Hyunjin smirked and watched as Seungmin took a hold of the bowl and placed it on the TV table. “Hey! What are you doing, why are you putting the popcorn away- ah fuck!” Hyunjin yelled out as Seungmin lunged at him and knocked him over so that he was laying with his back pressed flush against the sofa and Seungmin hovering above him. “Seungmin, what are you doing, AH!”

Seungmin smirked as he watched how Hyunjin tried to squirm away from his fingers and how he much he shone when he laughed as Seungmin tickled him. During the tickle fight, Hyunjin’s knee had accidentally jerked up and hit Seungmin’s leg so that the other lost balance and stopped himself just in time before he fell on Hyunjin’s face. Seungmin breathed heavily as his eyes flickered from Hyunjin’s eyes to his lips. Hyunjin felt like he was about to die. They were too close. Too close meant that he was going to get punished and sent straight to hell. Hyunjin pushed Seungmin off him and tried to calm his beating heart as he watched Seungmin retreat to his previous position.

“Don’t scare me like that again. If someone saw you they might think you like boys or something.” Hyunjin huffed and Seungmin grabbed the popcorn bowl and placed in his lap.

“I like you a lot better when you keep your mouth shut.” Hyunjin didn’t think much of it, saw it as playful banter and then returned his attention to Mr.Bean who was celebrating his birthday.

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how the Kims had woken Hyunjin and Seungmin up a couple of hours later with a vanilla cake that had eighteen lit candles destroying the top layer of the it, how Seungmin had pretended to be in shock even if the vanilla cake had been a yearly tradition and said “-Aww, you shouldn’t have” as he blew the candles out, how Mr.Kim had pulled Seungmin aside and how Seungmin later went on to tell him that his parents would be letting them have the house to themselves for a year because they wanted to see if Seungmin could handle living by himself.

“Do you still want me to stay?” Seungmin has batted his lashes, a finger covered in vanilla frosting laying on his tongue, and tilted his head at Hyunjin’s question.

“Of course. My parents going away doesn’t change anything. I was the one who brought you here, not them.” Seungmin said as he wiped his finger off on a paper towel.

Hyunjin watched him from where he stood, back against the Kims’ long kitchen table, and licked his lips nervously.

“I will get you a present, I promise.” Seungmin shook his head.

“I don’t need any presents, really. I don’t even want to open these.” He gestured towards the pile of neatly wrapped up gifts and presents on the embroidered tablecloth. “Really, don’t waste your money on me, I don’t need it.” Seungmin ended his speech by giving Hyunjin a small smile. It didn’t feel right though.

“But you’re my best friend and I want to give you something special-”

“Hey, how about this. You help me bake muffins and that will be your birthday present for me, okay?” Seungmin asked as he put the cake on a silver platter and stuffed it away in the refrigerator. Hyunjin nodded. Sure. “Great!” Seungmin exclaimed.

In the end, it had been Seungmin who had done 99% of the work and Hyunjin had instead been in charge of skipping and adding new songs to the que on Seungmin’s phone. The muffins ended up tasting great, most probably because Seungmin had made them. But Hyunjin couldn’t help a bitter aftertaste from spreading in his mouth after he had finished his lemon muffin. He needed to get something for Seungmin so when Seungmin had decided to take a shower, Hyunjin snuck out.

When Seungmin came out from the bathroom, Hyunjin had proudly presented him with a plastic bag. Seungmin had muttered something about Hyunjin not caring about saving the turtles before he reached down and pulled the package out. It had been quite pricey and honestly Hyunjin should be more careful with how he spent the last of his money but it was okay since it was his best friend’s big day after all.

“A big present for a big boy. You’re an adult now.” Hyunjin said as he beamed at Seungmin who stared down at the package of condoms in his hand.

“Thanks.” Seungmin muttered and shoved the condoms back down into the plastic bag. Hyunjin frowned, Seungmin didn’t seem very grateful.

“Hey, turn that frown upside down. I’m sure that there’s some girl out there that is desperate enough to have sex with you.” Seungmin gave him a small smile and shook his head.

“Thanks Hyunjin, it’s really all I could ever ask for.”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how Seungmin was there for him when his mother died four months or so after Seungmin’s birthday.

“Do you think-”

“No, Hyunjin. I don’t think it had anything to do with you.”

“Not even-”

“No, it wasn’t your fault.” Hyunjin gave a short nod, unaware of the other funeral attendees' glances on him, as he stared at the casket in front of him.

“I think I’m ready to go now.” Seungmin had his eyes fixated on the casket.

“Yeah, me too. Just give me a second. I’ll be quick, I promise.” Hyunjin guessed that it made sense, Seungmin and Hyunjin’s mother had known each other after all.

“I’ll wait outside.”

“Mhhmm.”

Seungmin waited until everyone had bid their goodbyes before he approached the casket again. His black polished dress shoes echoed against the church floor for each step he took. When he finally reached the casket, his face morphed into one of disgust.

“I hope you rot in hell. That’s what you deserve.”

  
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Hyunjin remembers how Seungmin dragged him off the chaise sofa the morning after the funeral.

“Come on, Hyunjin. You need to get ready for school.” Hyunjin groaned and tried to slap Seungmin’s arm away. He was planning on giving the brunette the silent treatment. Seungmin wasn’t having it. “If you don’t cooperate this is just going to get harder for the both of us.” Hyunjin bit his tongue and squeezed his eyes shut. In the next second, Seungmin had grabbed him under his armpits and hauled him up from the sofa.

“I don’t want to go to school.” Hyunjin protested as he opened his eyes and looked at Seungmin. Normally, Hyunjin didn’t see Seungmin until the other was fully dressed and ready to take on the day because normally, Hyunjin would have set his alarm at 7:30 and then gotten ready but he had abolished his usual routine for the day because he felt like skipping school and sleeping the day away. That day, Hyunjin realized how much he had missed out on. Seungmin was standing in front of him with a messy, tousled hairdo that screamed that it needed to be combed through, dark circles under his eyes that Hyunjin had never noticed before and if Hyunjin really focused then he could even see how dark brown stubble was beginning to form on his jawline. Hyunjin enjoyed it, enjoyed seeing how Seungmin looked when he wasn’t put together. It was new and it was exciting to say the least. Another layer had been stripped away.

“You look like shit.” Seungmin had taken offense at the words and huffed in dismay before raking a hand through his messy hair. Hyunjin couldn’t contain his laugh when he noticed how Seungmin’s hand got stopped by a tangled knot.

“Yeah well I haven’t had time to get ready because I spent the last thirty minutes trying to get you to wake up. I don’t understand how you can be such a heavy sleeper. Whatever, just get dressed.” The brunette said as he pulled back the black out curtains and let a stream of warm orange sunlight shine through.

“No. I’m not getting dressed. You can go to school, I’m staying home.” Hyunjin grumbled as he sat down on the sofa again and tried to pull the white cashmere blanket over his lap. Seungmin turned around to glare at him.

“The hell you won’t. This is my house-”

“It’s actually your parents-”

“-And when you’re in my house you follow my rules. You’re not sick, therefore you won’t be staying home.” Hyunjin snorted at the words and made himself comfortable on the sofa that had doubled as his bed for the last few months.

“Yeah sure, what are you going to do? Force me to get dressed?” Seungmin pursed his lips and went out of the living room only to come back with Hyunjin’s uniform neatly folded in his arms.

“Get dressed.” He ordered as he nodded his head at the clothes he was holding.

“No.”

“Hyunjin-”

“I said I won’t get dressed.” Hyunjin rose up from the sofa and thanked heavens for making him taller than Seungmin.

“Fine. Then you leave me no option but for me to dress you myself.” Seungmin’s veins were prominent on the side of his neck as he stared up at Hyunjin.

Hyunjin snorted again. “I’d like to see you try.”

He had underestimated his best friend. Whilst Seungmin was shorter and had a smaller frame than him, the male had no problem with pushing Hyunjin down on the sofa. Hyunjin lifted his head and looked at Seungmin who had grabbed onto the hems of Hyunjin’s black jacket and started lifting it up. When he felt the pads of Seungmin’s dainty fingers brush against his lower abdominal, Hyunjin’s body immediately jerked at the touch. Seungmin rose an eyebrow at him and Hyunjin inhaled sharply.

“Fuck! Fine, I’ll get dressed just...stop whatever it is you’re doing.” Hyunjin felt dizzy as he felt how blood began to rush to his lower region. It was a foreign feeling to him since he tried his best to stay away from people that weren’t Seungmin. Seungmin took his hands off him got off the sofa.

“The bus leaves in four minutes, be quick.” He announced and closed the door to the living room in order to give Hyunjin some privacy whilst he muttered about not having enough time to take a shower before school.

Hyunjin took more than four minutes to get ready.

  
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Hyunjin remembers how that same day, he and Seungmin had missed the bus. Taking the bus to school had become a routine for Seungmin ever since Hyunjin had moved in. He had said it was because he wanted to relate to Hyunjin more but Hyunjin knew that Seungmin did it because he enjoyed eavesdropping on people's conversations and trying to find patterns as new passengers got off and on the bus.

“Guess we’ll just have to take the car.” Hyunjin said with a shrug of his shoulders before noticing that Seungmin was already seated in the driver’s seat of the Mercedes Benz A class.

Hyunjin got into the car and buckled up and tried his best to hide his smile when he realized that Seungmin refused to leave the driveway before he was sure that Hyunjin had put on the seatbelt.

“You’re staring at me.” Seungmin noted as he pulled the gear lever.

“You got a problem with that?” Hyunjin asked as he leaned back against the headrest and inhaled the smell of Seungmin’s peppermint cologne that mixed together with the leather scented Little Trees that hung from the rear view mirror that Seungmin reached up to fix quickly.

“Yes. It’s annoying.” The brunette replied as he backed out of the driveway. Hyunjin really needed to get his driver’s license because Seungmin couldn’t keep on being his designated driver for however long Hyunjin was going to stay with him.

“Yeah well you know what else is annoying? Your hair, that’s what.” Hyunjin stated as he fiddled with the car radio.

“If someone would have woken up in time then I would have had time to fix my hair.”

“I can fix it for you!”

“Please don’t-” Hyunjin paid no attention to Seungmin’s reply and instead repositioned himself, as much as he could without the seatbelt trying to hold him back, so that he could lean in and card his fingers through Seungmin’s bed hair. “Hyunjin we’re going to crash.” Seungmin warned, eyes still focused on the road.

“Yeah well at least you’ll look hot when we crash.”

“What?” Seungmin tore his eyes off the road for a second and looked at Hyunjin who retracted his hand.

“I mean girls will find you hot I guess. I was just speaking from a girl’s point of view so don’t take it as if I was trying to compliment you.” Hyunjin stuttered. It had just slipped out of him. Apparently his filter hadn’t started to work for the day yet.

Seungmin shook his head and let his focus drift back to the car ride. It was silent for a few minutes before Hyunjin decided to speak up.

“You know, if you would just speed then we might make it in time.”

“Hyunjin I’m not about to speed.”

“Because you’re boring.”

“Because I’m responsible.”

“One doesn’t exclude the other.” Hyunjin mused as he turned on the radio.

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers the shocked expressions on their classmates faces when they had walked into the psychology lesson twenty five minutes later. Their professor had stopped scribbling on the whiteboard when they had entered and had dropped the red marker at the same time.

“Sorry for being late.” Seungmin said in a clear voice and did a small bow as he went to his usual seat, Hyunjin trailing behind.

“Hwang Hyunjin, late as usual but Kim Seungmin being late? What is the reason for this?” Their professor asked and Hyunjin dug his nails into his palms to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Seungmin stared up at the professor.

“Alarm clock stopped working.” The professor quirked an eyebrow and Hyunjin stared at Seungmin with bewildered eyes.

“Really now?”

“No, it was my fault professor.” Hyunjin had no respect for their professor but he knew that Seungmin had and he wasn’t about to let his ego and pride get in the way. He stood up and bowed slightly, biting his lip when he heard Jisung wolf whistle behind him. He needed better friends. “I didn’t wake up in time so Seungmin had to wait for me.” From the corner of his eye he could see Seungmin’s piercing gaze on him. He wondered what his best friend was thinking.

“I would say I’m surprised, but I’m not. I’ll let this go for now but Seungmin, I would advise you to stay away from Hyunjin. Don’t let his carelessness and apathetic attitude towards everything affect you. You’re above that-”

Their desk emitted a loud screech as it dragged against the floor when Seungmin pushed it in front of them and stood up behind it.

“With all due respect, professor; fuck you.” The students gasped in union as Seungmin made his way around the table and exited the classroom.

It was silent for a few seconds and the students exchanged worried looks.

“And then they all clapped-”

“Jisung this really isn’t the time for memes.”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how he searched the halls and classrooms for Seungmin after his little fit until he finally found him sitting in the car parked on the school’s parking lot.

Hyunjin knocked on the window and Seungmin rolled it down so that Hyunjin could lean against it. He was suddenly at a loss for words.

“I’m sorry-”

“Get in the car, Hyunjin.” And Hyunjin had done just that.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated as he placed his, originally Seungmin’s, backpack between his legs.

“Don’t be.” Seungmin turned and gave him a small smile. Hyunjin couldn’t believe it. Seungmin had completely abandoned his image to protect Hyunjin and he wasn’t even upset at Hyunjin because of it. “He deserved it, I don’t regret it. Let’s just go home, I’m starving.”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how they had sat by the rose bushes in the Kims’ garden, surrounded by grass that had grown tall because they had forgotten to buy a new lawnmower, and eaten watermelon whilst listening to Seungmin’s playlist. Then Seungmin had stood up and brushed off imaginary dust off from his pants.

“Follow me.” Hyunjin groaned but rose up nonetheless.

They walked around the house until they reached the pavement in front of it. If Seungmin noticed how his neighbours had stopped greeting him, he didn’t mention it.

“Here.” Seungmin pointed down at something green that was growing out of a crack in the pavement. Hyunjin squinted his eyes.

“What am I looking at?” Seungmin crouched down and motioned for Hyunjin to do the same. Hyunjin still didn't get it. “What is it.”

“It’s a dandelion.” His best friend replied. Hyunjin had no idea why Seungmin was watching the dandy lion or whatever it was called with so much fashination in his eyes.

“Uh huh. And why are we sat on the ground to admire it?”

“Because it reminded me of you.” Seungmin confessed and met his eyes. Hyunjin stared back at him, plagued by whatever was growing inside of his chest, and scoffed.

“Do I look like a yellow flower to you?” Great cover up.

“No. But there’s this term called “dandelion kids” and it made me think of you.” Hyunjin swear he’s never seen Seungmin blush before, but it suited him. It suited him platonically, objectively, of course.

“I still don’t understand.”

“It’s a term used for children who have it tough at home but still manages to grow to be...beautiful people.” Hyunjin scanned Seungmin’s face as he took in the information.

“Did you just make that up?”

“No. I didn’t.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin didn’t know what to reply. “Thank you.”

Seungmin rose up to his feet again and Hyunjin followed suit.

“Let’s go back.” Hyunjin winced as Seungmin took his hand in his.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He growled as he rubbed his hand off on his trousers. Seungmin’s eyes flickered up and met his.

“Sorry, I just thought that now that your mom is gone you might-” Fury set on Hyunjin’s face. Actually never mind, I’m sorry.”

  
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how he crawled up in Seungmin’s king sized bed that night. He had flicked on the lights to Seungmin’s room and watched as his best friend immediately jolted up.

“I can’t sleep alone anymore, it scares me. I keep getting nightmares.” Seungmin had scanned him for a couple of seconds before moving to the side, a silent invitation. Hyunjin scurried over to the bed and slipped under Seungmin’s duvet and pulled it up to his nose, breathing in the smell of Seungmin’s signature peppermint cologne that had stained the duvet and sheets.

“Wake me up if you get any more nightmares, ok?” Hyunjin nodded and flicked the lights off.

It felt bad, he felt like he was sinning because he shared a bed with Seungmin but he really couldn’t sleep by himself anymore. He couldn’t feel protected if he wasn’t sharing the same bed as Seungmin.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers how Seungmin’s bed became a safe haven for him. Therefore, it was a shock to him when he came home after grocery shopping, with Seungmin’s money of course, only to open the door to Seungmin’s room and find said room owner in the bed, lips glued to another pair of lips and hands running all over his body.

“What the fuck?” Hyunjin dropped the grocery bags on the floor and the sound made Seungmin and the other male break their kiss. “Jisung?” Hyunjin asked as he watched how his friend pulled away from Seungmin and sat on the bed.

“Oh, hi Hyunjin. Did you have fun at the store?” Jisung chuckled as he rubbed his nape where a dark red mark of some sort was evident.

Hyunjin hated it. He hated the situation. He hated Jisung and he hated the way Seungmin’s cheeks were flushed and how his lips were covered with a sheen layer of saliva that probably wasn’t his own. Hyunjin felt how something ugly began to grow in his stomach and forced his way up through his body. It made him want to scream at Jisung for being in what had become his and Seungmin’s bed and for putting his dirty hands all over Seungmin.

“What the fuck were you guys doing?” Hyunjin hated how Jisung brought out the worst in him. His words came out as a growl, almost animalistic.

“We were making out but I’m pretty sure you could figure that out yourself.” Jisung replied as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

“Out.” They were in Seungmin’s house but Hyunjin had completely forgotten it and gave orders like it was his own house.

“Why? Who do you think you are?” Jisung rose and squared up against Hyunjin. The male annoyed him, especially with the hickeys and the way his tie was loose and how his top buttons were undone.

“Out!” Hyunjin raised his voice. How could the guy who had given his best friend a free ticket into hell stand in front of him and insult him?

“Jisung, maybe we should continue another day.” Seungmin had sprinted off the bed and let his hand rest on Jisung’s shoulder.

“What? Why? You’re just going to let this homophobic bastard ruin-”

“Jisung, out. I’ll handle this.” Seungmin had switched into his normal mode again, stern and impossible to rub. Jisung’s eyes flickered between Hyunjin and Seungmin before he slammed the door shut.

Hyunjin listened to the other’s footsteps and waited for them to stop before he turned to Seungmin. He was about to say something but Seungmin beat him to it and jabbed a finger at his chest.

“I know you have a lot on your mind but choose your words wisely unless you want me to throw you out of this house with your head first.” Hyunjin stared at him, chest heaving up and down. Seungmin was right, he did have a lot on his mind.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” He instead settled with and turned around to leave.

“Hyunjin.” Seungmin’s hand wrapped itself around his wrist and Hyunjin immediately shuddered. “I like-”

“Don’t say it-”

“-men. I like men and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sorry your mom manipulated you into thinking that there was something wrong with it but it’s not. And I’m not ashamed of it. And if I’m being honest, I think you might also like men.” Hyunjin stiffened.

“What makes you say that?” He asked slowly as he turned to meet Seungmin’s eyes which only made it harder for him.

“Your reactions. You get so fucking defensive every time I touch you even if I don’t have any bad intentions. Hyunjin, no one who is straight would panic every time a dude made physical contact with them because they wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.” Hyunjin stared at Seungmin.

“I’m straight.”

“Have you ever thought about a girl romantically? Have you ever had a crush on a girl?” Thinking about it, Hyunjin had never had a crush on a girl before. When he was younger he would receive a lot of love confessions from girls and he would reject just as many. When his peers had turned eighteen and showed him a porn video of a girl masturbating, he had just felt disgusted.

“Is that really any of your business?” Hyunjin sneered.

“It is! It is my business because we’re the same you and I, but yet you’re judging me!” Seungmin had tears in his eyes.

“We’re not the same. I’m straight.” Hyunjin repeated the words over and over again in his head. Seungmin was a liar.

“Hyunjin, you have a fucking erection for Chrissake. You got hard from watching me and Jisung make out.” Seungmin cried out as he gestured towards Hyunjin’s lower body. Hyunjin felt his cheeks flush as he looked down and discovered that he indeed had a hard on.

“So? That doesn’t mean that I’m not straight.” The hand around his wrist disappeared.

“I give up.” Seungmin announced as he plopped down on his bed, face buried in his hands. Hyunjin felt bad, it wasn’t Seungmin’s fault that he was going to hell. He chewed on his bottom lip as he contemplated the situation.

“Look, I won’t judge you or whatever, I’ll let you snog Jisung all you want as long as you just...you know, let me be straight in peace.”

“Sure.”

“Huh?”

“I said sure. Can you leave me alone for a while, I don’t really want to see your face right now.”

“Why not?” Seungmin glared at him between his fingers.

“Go figure.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers the first time he stuck his tongue into a girl’s mouth. It was two days after his conversation with Seungmin and all he could say about it was that it was slimy. That didn’t stop him from bragging about it in the cafeteria though. His friends exchanged glances as they picked on their food. He caught Seungmin looking at him with tired eyes from across the table and he knew that Jisung was staring at him as well but he refused to give him any attention.

“And did you like it?” Minho asked as he unscrewed the lid to his coconut water and took a sip.

“Huh?”

“I asked if you liked it, making out with the girl.” Minho repeated as he wiped the excess coconut water from his lips. Hyunjin couldn’t help that his eyes fixed themselves on Minho’s lips.

“No, not really. It was pretty disgusting if I am being honest.” Hyunjin announced as he shoved a french fry in his mouth. When he looked back up, all his friends were staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just that making out and kissing is supposed to be good. It’s something you’re supposed to enjoy.” Minho replied with a shrug.

“Oh. Well I just don’t think I liked the girl enough or her style of kissing.” Hyunjin rationalized his emotions. Disliking a kiss wasn’t something abnormal.

“Or maybe it’s girls in general that you don’t like.” Jisung piped up and Hyunjin was forced to stare at him.

“Aha! That could be it.” Minho applauded Jisung.

“No. I don’t like boys, that’s a bad thing and I’m not bad. I don’t want to go to hell.” Hyunjin muttered and Minho spat out his water.

“Who says you’re going to hell?” Chan asked, concerned as usual, where he was seated to the right of Hyunjin.

“Yeah? Seriously, what nutjob told you that? The person who told you it should just die-”

Seungmin cleared his throat loudly to stop Minho from carrying on.

“Shit. Was it your mom that told you that?” Jeongin asked as he chewed on the straw in his mouth. It made Hyunjin frown.

“Well, yeah, my mom did tell me it but it’s not like she was the one who decided that it should be that way-”

“You’re right. The thought that people who are homosexual are less worthy or doesn’t deserve to live etc etc was created by intolorant and closeminded people but your mom chose to spoon feed you with their lies from the day you were born.” Changbin joined in.

“When you put it like that you’re making it sound like being homosexual is completely normal.” Hyunjin grimaced as his friends stared at him.

“Because it is completely normal. There isn’t anything wrong with being it.” Felix chimed in and Hyunjin stared back at his friends.

“You mean you are all okay with it? Like you’re all okay with people being homosexual?”

“Yes!” They all answered in union. Hyunjin couldn’t believe his ears.

“I’m so fucking confused.” He confessed as he massaged his temples.

“Hyunjin is a panicked gay-”

“Jisung shut up!” Seungmin gritted out.  
2  
“Yo, psychology starts in three seconds, let’s go.” Woojin announced. Hyunjin made eye contact with Seungmin as the other lifted his tray of the table and got up.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers said psychology lesson. Somehow they had begun talking about defense mechanisms again.

“Can someone give me an example of reaction formation?” Their professor asked. “Yes, Seungmin?”

Hyunjin saw how Seungmin lowered his hand beside him.

“An example of reaction formation is when you for example have been taught to hate on same sex relationships whilst you’re secretly attracted to the same sex. In order to try and get rid off your new found feelings you may resort to shoving your tongue down a person of the opposite sex’s throat in order to “prove” that you aren’t gay.” A couple of chuckles were heard throughout the classroom but Hyunjin couldn’t find it in him to laugh.

“Well, that was a very descriptive example but nonetheless completely right. So-”

Hyunjin had tuned out after that as he couldn’t stop thinking back on when Seungmin had asked him the exact same question.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Hyunjin remembers that the bus ride home was quiet that day. Hyunjin waited until Seungmin had opened the front door before he opened his mouth.

“Seungmin I’m sorry.” Seungmin had raised an eyebrow at him as he took off his shoes.

“Took you long enough to apologise.” He said and Hyunjin followed him upstairs into his room. Seungmin went over to the window still and repositioned his succulent so that it would get more sunlight. “So, while we’re at it, is there anything else you would like to confess to?” He turned around and walked towards Hyunjin.

“I don’t...I don’t know.” Seungmin tilted his head, obviously not buying it. There it was again, Hyunjin being a great liar whilst Seungmin was a great observer. “I think I might like...people that aren’t women.” His answer made Seungmin release a snort.

“People that aren’t women.” Seungmin repeated and Hyunjin bit his lip.

“Men.”

“Uh huh. Anything else?” Hyunjin licked his lips nervously.

“I got angry when you made out with Jisung.”

“I know.”

“But I don’t know why.” Hyunjin trailed off. Some part of him probably did understand just exactly why he had gotten angry but he wasn’t going to confess it.

“Maybe you got jealous?” Seungmin asked with a shrug of his shoulders and Hyunjin let out an unattractive snort.

“Yeah right, why would I be jealous of that?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. But it’s good that you aren’t jealous though, that means I can go fuck Jisung without worrying about what you are going to think of it-”

Hyunjin didn’t let him finish and instead pushed Seungmin onto the bed.

“You’re really getting on my nerves, Kim Seungmin. Do you know that?” Seungmin had always looked beautiful, Hyunjin realized it when he saw Seungmin pinned under him. He couldn’t resist leaning in and nose at the spot right above Seungmin’s ear, taking in the smell of that disgustingly sweet green apple shampoo.

“I sort of figured it out by now.” Seungmin changed their positions before Hyunjin had time to comprehend it. “The feeling is mutual.” He continued as he stared down at Hyunjin with dark eyes.

Kissing Kim Seungmin was simultaneously the worst and best thing in Hyunjin’s life. It didn’t feel like how the movies portrayed kissing, fireworks exploding in the sky and painting the New years sky in colours ranging from blue to gold. Instead he felt like his heart was going to combust every time Seungmin slotted his lips against Hyunjin’s and Hyunjin concluded that that was feeling was, if not even better, equally as good as the movie kisses. At the same time, kissing Seungmin was horrible because Hyunjin was constantly on the verge of dying due to the fact that he never wanted the other’s pink lips to leave his and everytime Seungmin pulled away to take a breath, Hyunjin couldn’t help but to whine and search for the other’s lips again. Kim Seungmin made him realize that breathing was overrated and Hyunjin didn’t give a fuck if doctors and scientists would try to tell him otherwise. Kim Seungmin in general was the best thing that had ever happened to Hyunjin and he was going to explode if he kept those feelings for himself. When he pulled away this time, it was Seungmin’s turn to whine at the loss.

“I wish I had money, a house or a car because then I’d be able to tell you how I’d give it all up in order to feel your lips against mine for just another second.” Hyunjin stared up at Seungmin with a look of someone who’d been born again or finally discovered what the meaning of life was. Seungmin grimaced and lowered himself down again.

“Please do not ever, and I mean ever, consider becoming a poet.” Seungmin whispered as he licked Hyunjin’s bottom lip.

“Why not?” Hyunjin whined and tried to capture Seungmin’s lips again but to avail.

“How do I say this? You just...you just really don’t have a way with words.” Seungmin said with a smile before he began sucking on Hyunjin’s lower lip.

“What? I can totally have a way with words. If I was a poet, I’d dedicate every poem to you. In fact, let me give an example right now-”

“Ugh, please don’t.” Seungmin rolled his eyes as he tilted Hyunjin’s chin up so that he could nibble at the spot just below his ear. Hyunjin pretended that he hadn’t heard him.

“His peppermint cologne smelled like unnecessarily expensive rich kid Christmas gifts and the dark circles under his eyes were the closest thing a human could come to witness a black hole-”

“That’s not even romantic, you’re just dissing me and my family right now.” Seungmin said as he bit down on Hyunjin’s skin before admiring the hickey that was starting to blossom. “And that isn’t fair because I can’t diss you for using 2-in-1 shampoo/body wash now since you’ve been hogging my sweet green apple shampoo and my cedar body wash these last months.”

“I hate that fucking green apple shampoo.” Hyunjin muttered as he cupped Seungmin’s face and pulled him into a kiss.

“Fucking liar. You love it and you know it.” Seungmin smirked as he pulled away from Hyunjin’s lips only to give him a wet lick on his cheek. “Why don’t you write a poem about my green apple shampoo?”

“Oh! Great idea! His shampoo smelled of GMO-”

“Hyunjin I was fucking joking. Shut up before I break up with you.” Hyunjin froze up and stared at his best friend.

“Since when were we a couple?” Seungmin shrugged.

“Since I threatened to break up with you about three seconds ago?” Seungmin went in for a kiss but Hyunjin splayed a palm on his chest.

“What about Jisung then?” His best friend blinked as if he didn’t know what he was talking about at first.

“Oh! He only agreed to make out with me because I didn’t know how to come out to you. I also wanted to see if you would get jealous or not.” Hyunjin frowned.

“You really went out of your way to kiss Jisung just to make me jealous?” Seungmin rested his chin on his hand and pretended to think about it.

“Yeah. I sort of regret it now though, it felt like I was kissing a washing machine and he kept accidentally calling me Minho. But it worked, so who cares.” Hyunjin turned his face when Seungmin tried to kiss him again.

“I think it worked a bit too well, I was about to end Jisung then and there.” He muttered and Seungmin slapped his arm playfully. “What? Let me be a protective boyfriend!” Hyunjin whined as he gave Seungmin an eskimo kiss.

“I’ll let you be any kind of boyfriend-

“Thank you-”

“-except for the type of boyfriend who thinks that the cartoon Mr.Bean is better than the live action one.”

“My boner has never died so quickly before.” Hyunjin mumbled as he pushed his laughing boyfriend off him.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

22nd of September 2019

Hyunjin remembers so many things that he almost forgets that he’s living in the present.

“Hyunjin?”

“Huh?” Hyunjin blinks up at Seungmin who’s hovering above him and keeping himself up by using the strength of his arms.

“You dissociated again, babe. What were you thinking about?” Seungmin asks as his arms give out and he falls on top of Hyunjin. He covers it up immediately as he lets his fingers draw invisible lines and shapes on Hyunjin’s left arm.

“I was just thinking back. One year ago today I thought I was genuinely going to die but somehow I’m still here. It’s crazy.” He mumbles and feels how Seungmin’s hum vibrates against his chest, the brunette still drawing on him with his fingers.

“I had no idea what I was doing half of the time but I’m happy you survived.” Seungmin mumbles as he turns to look up at Hyunjin.

“I’m also happy that I survived.” Hyunjin mumbles as he takes he lifts his hand to trace the stubble that’s growing on Seungmin’s jawline. “You haven’t shaved today, right?”

Seungmin shakes his head. “No.”

“Good.” Hyunjin mumbles before he begins to nuzzle his cheek against Seungmin’s stubble.

“Hyunjin, your skin is sensitive, you’re going to end up with red splotches because your skin is going to get irritated.” Seungmin warns.

“Hmmmm, don’t care.” Hyunjin sighs as he keeps nuzzling Seungmin.

“Jesus Christ, what are you, a cat?” Hyunjin pulls away.

“Says the teacher’s pet?” Seungmin groans.

“I stopped being a teacher’s pet the day I realized that I love you.”

Hyunjin coughs awkwardly to try and cover up an embarrassing thing-

“Dude did your dick just twitch because I said that?” Seungmin lifts himself up and looks down at his boyfriend in disbelief.

“Said what?” Hyunjin chuckles nervously.

“I love you.” A shit eating grins spreads on Seungmin’s face as the realization draws up on him. “Holy shit Hyunjin, I can’t believe how cheesy you are. You’re literally getting horny because I said I loved you.”

“Am not.” Seungmin rolls his eyes and grabs a hold of Hyunjin’s dick.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Hyunjin whines as Seungmin begins to jerk him off as he whispers the same phrase over and over against his mouth until Hyunjin spills into his fist embarrassingly fast. Seungmin pulls back with a look of surprise evident on his face.

“Was that my birthday gift?” He asks as he hesitantly brings his fist up to lick the cum off it. “It’s my birthday today.”

“No it isn’t.”

“It is.” Seungmin picks up his iphone 14 or whatever, Hyunjin doesn’t know much about electronic gadgets, and shows Hyunjin the displayed time. “It’s two minutes past twelve and you haven’t even said happy birthday to me yet.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes.

“Go open your drawer.” Hyunjin instructs with a nod of his head.

“Why?”

“Because your birthday present is in there.” Seungmin stares at him warily.

“It’s not a package of condoms again, is it?” Hyunjin rolls his eyes.

“Just go.” A string of “okay, okay, okay” leaves Seungmin lips as he gets off the beds and pulls out a green notebook from his drawer.

“What is-”

“Open it. Read it out loud.” Seungmin’s eyes flicker nervously from Hyunjin to the notebook in his hand. He opens it and begins to read the first page out loud.

“His peppermint cologne smelled like- That’s it, we’re breaking up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a mess and I can't say that I'm proud over this :/ lol but comments/criticism or kudos are still v appreciated <3


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